Tuesday, July 15, 2008

a little lost

It's a daily occurrence that my little one floats through my mind... some tiny detail of his brief existence on earth. Usually he crosses my mind with a memory of his life, then within minutes I am shot back to October 26th and I am there at his death. It isn't some calm that I crave, or some detail to fit in and make it all make sense... but there is just something that keeps me from remembering his life, instead I replay his death. I almost feel like I was there when he died, like I was in the room with him, in the ambulance while they were trying to bring him back... but I wasn't. It's not to be explained I guess. Mommies just know what is happening with their babies, I suppose. I could have it all wrong, I could just have made all these thoughts up to keep myself from going insane but when I think of him, I think of his death and how I think it happened.

I know I was really sad that day, a lot of people told me they believe I knew it was happening just by the way I was acting, kind of gloomy and distracted. I was asked at just about the moment he died what was going good in my life and my response was "just my boys, nothing but my boys" and within minutes, my phone was ringing off the hook for me to learn that the only thing I had to be grateful for at that moment in my life, was gone.

I was wearing a baby blue shirt with a sweatshirt over it, grey dress pants. I was depressed for some reason that day, I was lost and I was unhappy and uneasy. I don't know why but I had tennis shoes on, even though I was coming from work. I don't remember much more than that but it's taken 2 and half years just to remember these few things and now that I have... I am back at square one I think. I am finally able to remember the 10 minutes before his death, does that mean his death actually happening is next for my comprehension? I hope not, I promised myself never to believe that it was an event that occurred and then ended. Losing David is forever and as these tiny memories come back to me, slowly but surely, I am terrified to see what will come of me once I actually process that I sat down at that table to order dinner and my phone rang.

I sound crazy I know, this is where I am today though.

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