Thursday, April 10, 2008

How many of your angels live at home?

One of mine does, the other two live here with me.

I have to be honest, my little David truly defines who I am as a mother. It's easy to judge that statement from the outside but any other Mama that has walked a day in my shoes probably only sees it as a part of a journey. I didn't know how much I could love my children until I lost one, a terribly sad reality and something I'm not proud of, but I thank God everyday for my perspective. How many parents can say they love their children everyday like it is their last? I do now, every child, everyday!

It's taken me so much to get to where I am now. I still tell most people I have 3 little boys at home, then I usually give them the age David would be when they ask. It's painful to think every time that he is not 3, he is not at preschool, he is not keeping me busy or fighting bedtime at night... but even more painful to not mention him at all. He was here, he deserves to be accounted for, even if I won't be completely honest, that's where I am right now.

I try endlessly to come up with these great ideas to fill the house with his memory, little projects that I can look at everyday but half-way through them all I have choked on the taste that once I actually complete one, it will be another step down in the 'process' which really pisses me off. I don't ever want to be through a process of losing one of my children, I still don't like to think past the last time I saw him, much less finish a frame to put on the wall, a picture that will never be replaced with his kindergarten picture, or his first communion, or a picture from his prom.

The last time I saw him he was so happy... he fussed from the other room while I was getting my big guy dressed so I came in and he smiled as if he had gotten what he wanted. I brought him this little blanket he loved to chew on, he reached both hands out for it and when I put it in front of him, he grabbed it and put it in his mouth, contented and peaceful. So I shuffled along in my morning to get the day going, I opened the door, handed his carrier to his Dad, and watched him from the door never knowing that I would have to wait a lifetime for that moment to come again.

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