Thursday, April 10, 2008

to say the least

Everyday is a struggle, everyday a challenge. There are so many kind words spoken to mothers who live each day without their babies, but the cold truth is that they are just kind words.

These words are always welcomed, as I would never look down upon someone trying to love me or make me feel better, but I know they have more meaning to the person saying them than they will ever have to me. It's part of the territory, one of the realities of an existence without your child.

The truth is that time... it heals nothing. Mothers that lose their little innocents, never get better. It is simply never going to be alright, and why would I want it to be? What kind of mother wants to be 'alright' that her child's future is no longer in her hands? We aren't even the same people anymore. I died when my son died and a new me had to be reborn out of his loss. That is the truth. I'm not angry so I hope I don't come off that way, I just miss that me sometimes and I look back at pictures of me before I lost David and I want to talk to that girl. I want to remember when my biggest challenge in life was getting the bills paid or mending a suffering relationship. My biggest challenge since that day is not throwing in the towel, at any given moment, "maybe today I will take a warm bath around 3 then climb into bed and not get out until 2010". That's a challenge for me each day. Bills and hurt feelings are so plastic and insignificant now, who cares?

I have to credit the people in my life that stuck around after I lost David. Most of them disappeared. Sadly. Though I find it to be no reflection of who they are as friends, but just their inability to deal with something so real and so consuming. I miss people in my life. It's hard to make new friends, all I want to do is talk about baby grave sites and SIDS research, people don't exactly form a line for conversation like that. I've become so socially awkward that I embarrass myself every time I open my mouth. I even tried having a few drinks when out with new people and it was far worse. I guess it takes time to become functional in society again and to feel comfortable enough with yourself to feel comfortable around others. The part that really throws me off is how outgoing I used to be, I was social and fun to be around and funny, everyone always told me how funny I was. I am none of those things now. I'm not witty, or friendly, or even original. That girl I used to be did die with her son and it breaks my heart that my children will never get to know her.

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