Tuesday, April 15, 2008

perhaps it's me

I sort of feel the last couple of weeks as though David's loss is a story someone told me, instead of a reality that I live each day. I don't know if it is his birthday coming up or some other mix of emotions that is holding onto me. I've felt this way in the past, about a year ago but decided it was only a defense against the pain. This time it isn't letting up, the tears aren't coming. It doesn't feel real, nor does it feel like it will become real. I want to cry and be sad, I want to let some of it out and remember how much I miss his tiny life. When I think of him the last couple of weeks I just immediatley think of the happiest times I had with him then change my thoughts to the other happenings in my life. I think I am avoiding the part where he isnt here any more. What's my problem?

I believe I'm passed feeling 'robbed', I can honestly say that horrible feeling hasn't knocked on my door in quite a while. I don't really accept it but I am coming to understand in my faith that he had a bigger purpose and that he was never really meant to stay and grow with me. I keep reading these other blogs and this information for grieving parents and I get so mad when people say that it's okay that I turned my back on God and questioned him when David died... I never turned my back on God, if anything I turned to him when David died. Mourning the death of your child is so personal, for everyone I think. I truly allow the people in my life to grieve and mourn in any way they can even if it means drinking themselves to sleep for a year or putting it away and pretending it never happened. I am not those people, I do not know what a day in their life is like, therefore I dare not judge or interpret any ones 'journey'. But when I read these generalizations of grieving parents I feel like it sets a guideline for others to grieve by. I spent so much time after David died trying to go through these stupid steps set forth by some idiot who, I later found out, never lost a child. Is that fair to the rest of us?

I played with the idea of attending the MIS meetings and the infant loss cermonys but they were too much for me. I see how people find so much peace in that setting to see all these other people living their lives against the odds we ever thought we could again after such tradgedy. I wish I had the courage to walk into one of those meetings and scream how much my beautiful son means to me and how much I worry about his big brother for having this happen at the tender age of 3, but I stay silent and grieve and watch the world spin. Now I've turned it off, or at least down. I can write and talk and think about it without really letting it consume me, I don't know what I'm so afraid of, perhaps it's that first year and half of non-stop crying and depression. Or at least that's what it was for me, maybe I'm afraid I will spiral back into what I was a year ago.

perhaps it's me

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